Saturday, 7 April 2012

I walk down the lane, with a happy refrain.

I was going to begin this post with moaning, but I couldn't be bothered to fine-tune my whining into a comprehensible waffling. So I've bullet-pointed:

- It's very late/early in the morning for being awake and sober.
- I have a bizarre headache that disappears when I tilt my head to the side.
- I will undoubtedly be waking up to neck-ache.
- No matter how many times I read paragraphs at the moment, I cannot seem to retain any useful information for my essay and subsequently my presentation due in 9 days.
- I miss the rain.

So there we go.

My fan fiction is going ridiculously well.

I finally bought an external hard-drive so I am filming again.

I'm writing.

I'm prioritising.

I am planning a future and working for it.

And what I'd really like around about now is a big old thunder storm.

Thursday, 5 April 2012

Here comes the sun.

Or at least it did for a while.
And now it's gone again.
But that's ok.

So I'm in charge of the household tonight. Quite enjoying this, though! I forget how much I enjoy being by myself sometimes. I think that's why I can get so claustrophobic and a little suffocated at times, I often end up feeling trapped. Solitude can be a blessing at times. I also think this may have something to do with living in a city now. I miss the countryside.

On the upside, I'm rewriting my future plans. I realised earlier that I have only discussed this, such a life-altering issue, with a select few people. Three to be a precise. I'm not sure why. I think it's more about doing this for me, now. No big song and dance (I'm listening to a musical playlist at the moment).

I'm working so hard on so many projects. I've been so anxious for quite some time, I really felt like everything I'd been working on was just slipping away. I hadn't been able to get back into things for quite some time, and now I'm back, on top and ready to go. So much going on, and I'm ready to keep going with it all. I need to get back into the practise of it all swiftly, as I'm videographing my cousin's wedding soon. I've been bulking up my showreel as well, so this is really beginning to move forwards. I'm just trying to prioritise my university work as well, so I have a decent degree to graduate with.

I'm just so passionate about my career. And I have this incessant fear of failure with it all. Not in the sense that I'm scared of rejection. That doesn't bother me, its healthy and will just spur me on. It just terrifies me that I'm putting my all into this and if it doesn't work out, I'm left with nothing. There is literally no alternative, I'm not working with a plan B, I don't have a fall-back. This is it. This is my life, and my future, and sometimes the doubt creeps in.
I just need to learn to get a better handle on it.
I have talent and determination.
There would be not point in doing this if I didn't.

I should get on with the university work plan.