Dancing on the ceiling.

Of which I am not.

Oh gosh, I have been rather miserable over the past couple of days. I'm trying to stay positive and carry on with everything. But right now, I'm piecing together my finances for post-graduation and I'm going to need to work near on 40 hours a week in order to be able to afford to live. So I can work and live and get by and that's fine. The problem is that I intend to be there to study for my Masters.

It looks like I'll be back to the dreaded house share after all.

Every time it rains, it rains pennies from heaven.

Well of course that's not true, but I've spent most of the day listening to film soundtracks, including The Artist.

We've finally been hit by the snow here, and it is so beautiful. I went out with my lovely camera and took plenty of pictures of it. My Canon makes everything look even better. I took an awful lot, mainly because I couldn't resist, but here's a select few of my favourites.

 I love these two, possibly my absolute favourites. The lampost is perfectly placed, I was quite lucky.

It was a beautiful few days, and now it's beginning to dissipate a bit. Which isn't so bad. I love the snow, I think there's something truly magical about it. But I don't like it when it disrupts me too much. A few days is lovely, but then life needs to go back to normal, at least that's how it is here. I can't imagine what it must be like to have snow the majority of the year, I'm not sure it would feel so magical.

In other news, I've been getting myself super organised! I have so many wall charts to keep track of and updated, but at least it's an easy way to see what I'm supposed to be doing, where I'm supposed to be doing it, when I'm supposed to be there, and how much it's going to cost me. I'm cracking down hard on my finances. If I do this properly then I will definitely have enough to move into a new flat in HW in August.

I think that whatever happens I'm probably just going to move there anyway, whether I get on to my MA course straightaway or not. I can't stay in Cambridge, and if I move home then I'll lose my job which will mean losing my transfer which will mean a much harder struggle to find a job to support myself whilst I'm living elsewhere. And moving back home feels like a big step backwards. I know it's not, but being where I want to be means opportunities and possibilities and prospects and being a real adult. I'm now beginning to feel like being a student is really just practise for the real world. We had these grand notions of moving out and being all grown up on acceptance to university, but really we're surrounded by so many safety nets and back ups. It's like we're having a go at real life, but once we graduate there won't be an Accommodation Office to seek help from, or Student Loans to rely on, or Student Services to tell us what to do when we're stuck.

And honestly, I find it all very exciting.

I'm trying to be a lot more disciplined with my film work. Because I'm really really not. At all. So I need to buck up and get my act together and be the student that NFTS will want, because I will not be going anywhere else.

I need to finish off this last bit of work experience work, and then I can get my timetable sorted out and really start to structure my days with uni work, dissertation work, film work, society work, masters application, and having a life (Although not necessarily in that order). I'm determined not to become a complete hermit whose only friends are my laptop, desk, library and iCentre. I'm still at uni, I'm still going to be student with all the social aspects as well as getting a kick ass grade! I'm sure of it! (Ask me again in a couple of months and we'll see...)

If you've read my recent posts I'm sure you would see my sheer panic in anticipation of this year. Well, it's now settled down into organised Hatti and I'm feeling inspired and ready to go. I'm still making big changes and little changes which is probably helping tremendously. I've had my hair cut for the first time in a couple of years and I've rearranged my room, amongst other things. Whilst it may seem like procrastination, I'm feeling much more focussed and on target, which is lovely. And I'm looking forward to no snow, because I can start running again which will help.

I think I should be very grateful to my boyfriend who has given me a gentle shove in the right direction, which is probably what's inspired all this focus and motivation. He's really quite marvellous. He took me to see The 39 Steps last night, and it was fantastic, an excellent piece of theatre.


So now I'm off to go and do productive things. Or nap. One of the two I think.

We are the kings and queens of promise.

I wonder if Monday nights are going to become a regular blogging witching hour for me. I'm usually up anyway to listen to boyfriend's radio show. I suppose it's just a good, quiet time to collect thoughts and mull over the past week and the week ahead.

I had a strange dream last night, albeit interrupted at 4am. I can't swim and have a pretty full on fear of water, but I dreamt I was swimming in a crystal clear, blue ocean, and a luxurious pool that looked right over it. I'm not one for decrypting dreams and understanding the deeper meaning behind them. Maybe it means this year I'll learn to swim. Or perhaps will embrace scary things - that part's for sure at least. I'm not sure. I just wanted to put it out there I suppose. I'm panicking about all sorts of things, from work experience to dissertation, from eyebrows to boyfriend. I think anything will do at the moment. As long as I can have a good long panic-session about it.

It's difficult not really having too many people to talk over this nonsensical rambling with at the moment. Which is why, dear blog reader, if you really are out there, you are currently bearing the brunt of this. And I apologise.

I'm most likely going to have to go back over most of this

and re-edit so I don't sound like so much of a lunatic.

On the up-side, my panic is motivating me to do more things! I'm making good progress on my work experience tasks, which have had a major set back with illness and deadlines, but hopefully I'll have it all finished up by tomorrow so they won't think I've abandoned the cause entirely.

For some reason I've also kicked off my Nail Art Blog again. Apparently I do not have enough to do at this moment in time. Here are a couple of my new creations, inspired by and taken from Sharmadean Reid's WAH Nails Book of Nail Art, which is truly fantastic. I give you POW nails, and rainbow leopard print.

I have also dug out some of my old script ideas. Its exciting because they're half-developed and still a bit interesting, so maybe, finally, I might actually do something worthwhile. Lord knows, whatever people understood of my nudey film might at first glance, its not the direction I'm planning on taking my career in. And neither is Harry Potter-themed stop-motion lego animation.

Also, (and this is where it gets really exciting) I've sent booking requests for two open days at the School of my intended Masters degree! Terrifying and so exciting I could squeal all rolled into one. Of course this doesn't mean I'm literally a step closer to getting in, but it could most definitely aid the journey.

I should really sign off now, it is getting rather late and I should do more things tomorrow.

Good night.

In a closed-off corner of my heart.

I think, recently, I have been on a bit of a journey of self-discovery. Once again.

I feel I do this every now and then, maybe a few months will go by, maybe a few years, before I begin to struggle with exactly who I am and where I am going. My destination generally stays the same, but my direction and route can often change and that is always influenced by the version of myself that I am at the time.

I am a great believer in people continually changing and growing and developing, and I think it's very naive to believe we all stay the same. I am certainly not the person I was 5 years ago, or even 1 year ago, and I'm sure you, reader, could say the same about yourself in some way. I'm not saying these changes have to be enormous or drastic, or again small and subtle. But they are always there.

Whether it be dying your hair a new colour or going back to old roots, giving your wardrobe a new look, or upping and moving to a different county altogether. At some point in our lives, we all experience the need for 'a bit of a change', a shake-up, an attempt at a different way of living. I don't know whether I feel this more or less frequently than the next person, but every now and then this desire seems to overtake most else of what I am feeling and I fall into a rut until I can do something big enough to heave myself out of it.

I'm not sure what it will be this time. I suppose I have been feeling creatively-stunted of late, and need to work over the right project of some kind to push through this.

I apologise, if you are reading this and know me, if I have been distant or vague of late. I suppose I am anticipating great changes to come this year, and am struggling to define myself before reaching the great precipice of UNKNOWN. I would rather be sure of who I am and what I want before stepping off into a realm of reality where these things can not be mulled over at length. I need to be sure. And sometimes this means taking a few steps away before returning to the here and now.

I am not in any way saying I am unhappy with my current lot. On the contrary, I'm possibly the happiest I've been for a very long time. I wonder if in some way this has contributed to a sudden identity-crisis of sorts. Perhaps finding myself at such a beautiful point in my life, pre-madness to come in the summer, has inspired an urge to establish if this is really... Me. And I suppose this is in fact very much 'me'. And for that I am grateful. Probably more so than I have ever been in my life.

I just need to establish my direction and thought-process to accompany such a journey. Because I clearly don't have enough to do at this moment in time.

But I hope this brings about a detox of sorts. Trim the edges, refine what should be present and what I would like to be present, and should the rest really matter? Surely not.

Well, whatever this journey brings, one thing is sure - I'm bound to write a great, waffling blog post to go with it.

Kidnap the Sandy Claws

And so with 24 hours before I have to be at work, I am finishing off my final essay of Year 3 Semester 1. It's a good'un to be fair, I've really enjoyed my research and even reading the laborious and nonsensical articles that accompany it, so A Discussion of the Intermedial Relations Between Film and Videogames has certainly been a fun one to get stuck into.

Unfortunately, having been struck down with the dreaded norovirus meant I was quite horrendously ill and had to get an extension on this one, but I managed to get my Independent Film Practice work in on time, and I felt pretty good about it. So naturally I'll get a pretty rubbish mark for it.

What a year this has been. I have felt rather disinclined to write a lengthy 'this is everything my year has covered here's hoping the next one's just as good' facebook, twitter or blog post, but I feel I should probably comment a little. It's been quite a rollercoaster that has included all sorts. A lot of good fortune, friends, family, truths, wealth, work, happiness and love, and some difficult shit thrown in there too, as any year must be. I suppose I'm rather underwhelmed by the dawning of 2013, mainly because my big changes will come half way through the year. So this New Year is the quiet and gentle beginning before a build up to the incredible unknown. I just feel very fortunate to have had the opportunity to experience the things I have and to be looking forward to a potentially exciting and hugely terrifying 12 months.

So as I sit here in my basement, watching the clouds roll by, wearing my blue bowler hat and mulling over the player's role in the experience of both videogames and cinema, I wish you all a beautiful New Year, filled with much luck, love and happiness.