Tuesday, 8 January 2013

In a closed-off corner of my heart.

I think, recently, I have been on a bit of a journey of self-discovery. Once again.

I feel I do this every now and then, maybe a few months will go by, maybe a few years, before I begin to struggle with exactly who I am and where I am going. My destination generally stays the same, but my direction and route can often change and that is always influenced by the version of myself that I am at the time.

I am a great believer in people continually changing and growing and developing, and I think it's very naive to believe we all stay the same. I am certainly not the person I was 5 years ago, or even 1 year ago, and I'm sure you, reader, could say the same about yourself in some way. I'm not saying these changes have to be enormous or drastic, or again small and subtle. But they are always there.

Whether it be dying your hair a new colour or going back to old roots, giving your wardrobe a new look, or upping and moving to a different county altogether. At some point in our lives, we all experience the need for 'a bit of a change', a shake-up, an attempt at a different way of living. I don't know whether I feel this more or less frequently than the next person, but every now and then this desire seems to overtake most else of what I am feeling and I fall into a rut until I can do something big enough to heave myself out of it.

I'm not sure what it will be this time. I suppose I have been feeling creatively-stunted of late, and need to work over the right project of some kind to push through this.

I apologise, if you are reading this and know me, if I have been distant or vague of late. I suppose I am anticipating great changes to come this year, and am struggling to define myself before reaching the great precipice of UNKNOWN. I would rather be sure of who I am and what I want before stepping off into a realm of reality where these things can not be mulled over at length. I need to be sure. And sometimes this means taking a few steps away before returning to the here and now.

I am not in any way saying I am unhappy with my current lot. On the contrary, I'm possibly the happiest I've been for a very long time. I wonder if in some way this has contributed to a sudden identity-crisis of sorts. Perhaps finding myself at such a beautiful point in my life, pre-madness to come in the summer, has inspired an urge to establish if this is really... Me. And I suppose this is in fact very much 'me'. And for that I am grateful. Probably more so than I have ever been in my life.

I just need to establish my direction and thought-process to accompany such a journey. Because I clearly don't have enough to do at this moment in time.

But I hope this brings about a detox of sorts. Trim the edges, refine what should be present and what I would like to be present, and should the rest really matter? Surely not.

Well, whatever this journey brings, one thing is sure - I'm bound to write a great, waffling blog post to go with it.

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